Challenging Self-Criticism

The phrase “we’re our own worst critic” is popular for a reason. We oftentimes are the first people to point out flaws in our work, the first to take away from the effort we put in, or the first to dissect our decisions. This is exhausting and makes it hard for us to start or continue with our work. Being able to identify when these critiques arise and challenging them can be hard. Here are some common ways self-criticism can show up and ways to practice challenging them: 

All or Nothing

In moments where the all or nothing critic comes up; we’ll find ourselves thinking absolutes. Thoughts like “I never know the right answer” or “I’m always stumbling over myself when presenting” are common and represent a belief that we have about ourselves. When working with absolutes, it can become hard to disconnect yourself from judgement that is linked with those thoughts. You can try challenging the all or nothing thoughts by finding examples that go against the absolutes or are more nuanced. 

Example: You turned in a presentation with a few typos

Self-Critic: I am a failure and bad at what I do. I always make these mistakes. 

Neutral: Mistakes are something that we all make and can be fixed.

Self-Coach: While I did make a mistake, it does not define me. I have had good work before this and can continue to do so in the future. 

Catastrophizing

Similar to how all or nothing criticism focuses on absolutes, catastrophizing focuses on attaching the worst imaginable outcome to a situation. The existence of this outcome alone can prevent us from moving forward in the way we want to. The “prepare for the worst but hope for the best” approach gets to a helpful point of being prepared for different outcomes but can put a lot of emphasis on what could go wrong, instead of what will go right. When challenging these catastrophic thoughts, it can be helpful to follow the steps that will come before the worst outcome and look at how realistic those steps can be. Also, having an idea of the best-case scenario or what other outcomes could happen can help to shift our focus. 

Example: You’re looking for an anniversary gift for your partner

Self-Critic: If I buy this and they don’t like it, they will break up with me. 

Neutral: I have control over what I buy and the act of giving is what matters.

Self-Coach: I have known them for a while and have a good idea of what they like. Even if they don’t like it, we can talk about what we can exchange it for. What I buy does not change how much I love and value them. 

Shoulds

Another difficult self-criticism to combat is when we use shoulds. This can be especially common when faced with unstructured time or lingering projects, how we “should” be using our time and what we are doing can be different. Those “shoulds” can be helpful when trying to figure out where to start but can also place a lot of pressure on us to use the time in that way. When thinking in shoulds, it also doesn’t allow for much flexibility. When challenging “should” thinking, give yourself grace, or try to explore where you learned what the “should” is. 

Example: You’re trying to add a new routine into your week

Self-Critic: With all of this time after work, I should be working out every day. 

Neutral: I recognize that I have some free time during these days, and I can use it in any way I’d like. 

Self-Coach: I can try to exercise, walk, or do yoga in some of the free time I have during the week.

Final Thoughts

Having the space to check in with ourselves is important, but it is also important to not let these check-ins impact how we feel about ourselves and what we are doing. Finding a balance between self-reflection and self-criticism can help keep us grounded without putting ourselves down.