Assembling a Village

“It takes a village.”

This proverb, often evoked when raising children, holds a wisdom that extends far beyond the nursery. The truth is, it takes a village to live well, to heal, to grow, and to thrive — in motherhood, partnerships, careers, and every life stage. Yet in a society that prizes individualism and hyper-productivity, many of us are left feeling emotionally drained, socially disconnected, and quietly wondering why we’re exhausted despite “doing all the right things.”

As a clinical psychologist specializing in women’s wellness and relational health, I see daily how crucial community is — not just as a luxury, but as a foundational component of psychological well-being. Let’s explore why we need our villages, how to be an active and nurturing part of one, and what the research says about building meaningful connections in a modern world that often undermines them.

Why We Need Villages: What the Science Tells Us

1. Human Connection is a Biological Imperative

Neuroscience shows us that we are hardwired for connection. From infancy, our brains develop in the context of relationships. As adults, social bonds continue to regulate our nervous systems. When we are supported, our cortisol (stress hormone) levels decrease, oxytocin (bonding hormone) increases, and our brains interpret safety and belonging — both vital for emotional resilience. Attachment Theory also reminds us that safety, responsiveness, and consistent care — originally studied in child-caregiver bonds — remain critical to psychological health across the lifespan.

Loneliness, on the other hand, is not just emotionally painful — it’s biologically dangerous. Chronic loneliness has been linked to increased inflammation, higher risks of cardiovascular disease, depression, and even early mortality. 

2. Community Buffers Life Transitions and Stress

Whether it’s new motherhood, grief, career changes, or relationship upheaval, life transitions are smoother when navigated with others. Research in developmental and health psychology consistently demonstrates that social support serves as a buffer against stress and trauma. This is particularly vital in matrescence — the transition to motherhood — where isolation and unrealistic expectations can trigger anxiety and depression.

3. We Thrive in Interdependence, Not Independence

Carol Gilligan, a pioneer in women’s studies and moral development, challenged the masculine ideal of autonomy, arguing that women often prioritize care, connection, and relational ethics. From a feminist lens, thriving isn’t about rugged individualism — it’s about mutual responsibility and relational reciprocity.

In my work with my clients, I find myself repeatedly emphasizing that wellness cannot be separated from the context of collective wellness — the well-being of communities, families, and systems. In communal cultures where interdependence is valued — where people care for each other’s children, share resources, and live with a sense of collective identity — levels of psychological distress tend to be lower. In contrast, Western societies often emphasize independence to a fault, leading to a breakdown in communal resilience.

How to Build — and Be — a Good Villager

Building community is both a personal practice and a cultural reorientation. It means choosing connection even when our schedules — and social norms — discourage it. Which begs the question, “How can I be a Good Villager?”

1. Practice Micro-Acts of Service

Everyday gestures matter: bringing a meal for someone who might be struggling, offering to babysit, or simply texting, “I’m thinking of you.” These are not small acts — they are the glue that binds us. These micro-acts create emotional safety, which is the bedrock of secure relationships. 

2. Celebrate Others’ Wins

In a culture that trains us to compare and quietly compete, celebrating others’ joy is a radical act. To be a true villager means becoming someone who celebrates others’ growth and success without shrinking your own worth in response. Show up for friends’ promotions, baby showers, or creative launches. Compliment others generously and openly. Talk about people’s wins even when they are not in the room. This fosters a culture of abundance rather than scarcity, where we rise together.

3. Honor the Rhythms of Reciprocity

Villages are not transactional; they’re relational. At different points, you will be the one pouring into others, and at others, you’ll be the one needing to receive. That ebb and flow is part of healthy community life. Avoid keeping score. Instead, trust in the cyclical nature of giving and receiving. And when it’s your turn to receive, let people in — vulnerability is what forges deep connection.

4. Create and Hold Rituals

Regular connection points — weekly meals, shared childcare days, seasonal circles — create continuity and trust. Rituals ground us, reminding us we belong somewhere. Community psychology research shows that shared rituals increase cohesion, group identity, and resilience.

5. Be Curious, Not Critical

Good villagers lead with curiosity. This creates space for people to feel heard without being fixed. A good rule of thumb is curiosity over criticism— consider asking questions such as “What does support look like for you in this moment?” or “how can I understand what you are going through?”

The Modern Village: Reclaiming What’s Been Lost

We live in a society where hyper-independence is rewarded, and burnout is worn like a badge of honor. Rebuilding a village in this context is revolutionary. It’s a choice to resist isolation, to return to interdependence, and to remember that connection is not a luxury — it is our birthright.

In a culture that often isolates us under the guise of self-sufficiency, choosing to live in community is a healing act. It is resistance against burnout, against invisibility, and against the myth that we must do it all alone.

Let us not forget: even in ancient times, healing happened in circles — around fires, in huts, through songs, rituals, and stories passed down. When we build our villages, we don’t just create support — we reclaim a vital part of our human nature.

So let us assemble. Show up for one another. Nourish the collective. Be someone’s village, and let others be yours. It’s how we heal. Better yet, it’s how we thrive.

Sources Cited

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